- On January 14, 2014
- 4 Comments
I want to wish everyone a new and exciting 2014. Welcome back to Moodyspeaks and my personal journey in life and business. Thanks for taking time for reading my blog and sharing my blog with others. My blog has been viewed over 14,175 times and in 65 countries. One of the things I have learned since starting my blog, and writing about being a sexual abuse survivor. I have learned there aren’t many places to go and read or listen to someone talk about the journey and impact sexual abuse has on their lives or the success in overcoming the damage done. So often we read about successful people, athletes, entertainers, and other celebrities coming out and saying they had been sexually abused as a child, but they don’t really talk about their journey of healing.
By the feedback and number of readers, I realized so many people want to understand the journey of healing. I know first hand when you are going through the panic attacks and affects of PTSD from childhood sexual abuse, you feel so alone and weird. You really don’t want to discuss it with anyone. During my lowest points of dealing with being sexually abused as a child, I searched for stories of people who describe their journey of healing, and I could not find that story. I wanted to read and listen to others that overcame panic attacks, PTSD, and other affects survivors suffer from in life. Because I knew how much I needed to hear and read about the journey of healing. I decided to be transparent with my blog and the journey of healing. I hope my story will help someone else heal and be able to enjoy a happy and fulfilling life.
I want others to know we are not alone, we aren’t weird, and most importantly we can overcome and thrive with great lives. As I go through my science experiment of this journey, I have learned so much about the body and mind. I still have moments when a trigger, such as someone trying to take advantage of me in a daily life or business situation, or someone I trust breaks that trust, I can feel my PTSD start to overcome my body. My body starts to feel cold and I can’t seem to warm up, I feel my body tense up, I can get sluggish, and I might even get a low-grade headache. Sometimes I feel the doom and gloom kick in. I use to fight this feeling and it only made it worse. Now when something triggers PTSD or the panic feeling, I just go with it, I let it run its course. I tell myself everything is ok and just allow my body and mind to go through the process. Because now I understand and allow the process to run its course, and it is over much quicker and easier.
I still have moments with the feelings of panic attacks. Even though I have not had a full-blown panic attack in 20 years, I have the feeling creep up more than I like, but I take time to breathe, relax and get back in the game of life. Because I had my first one driving 23 years ago, I still have some days when driving alone can take me back 23 years to my first panic attack. Even though I understand panic attacks. Just the thought of them can still make me nervous. I have missed meetings at times because of the panic attack feeling and I just want to stay in my safe zone. My safe zone is my office, home, exercises, or outdoors with nature. Sometimes I miss my rotary meetings and other business meetings because of that panic feeling and I just don’t feel like fighting the panic feeling of driving, even though I know everything really is ok. I know for some people reading this post will think this is weird, but those that have lived through panic attacks and or PTSD understands every word.
Over the last 23 years when it all started, I use to think I was weak because I couldn’t rid myself of panic attacks, PTSD and other affects from my childhood trauma. But since I started this journey in 2010 when I visited the Georgia Center for Child Advocacy and started on a true path of healing, I have realized how strong I really have been in my life. I had the courage to start a business from scratch, raise a family, be involved in my community, push myself when I didn’t want to drive alone. I push myself when the PTSD wanted me to stop trying. I have pushed myself and never lost the desire to be happy, to smile and enjoy life. I pushed myself to never lose my faith in God, I push myself to let my life and my actions give others hope for happiness. I have pushed myself to share my story with whomever wants to read about my journey of healing.
I am working hard in my business with running it with a new found freedom from my childhood trauma. I am at a new place in my life and it is very weird for me. I spent the last 47 years hiding from my childhood sexual abuse. For the first time I am transparent with myself about it, it happened, and I am stronger and better than I have given myself credit. I am already seeing the benefits of some decisions I have taken in my business, my personal life and photography. For the first time my eyes are wide open, my mind and heart is wide open to receive love and enjoy the beauty that awaits me in life.
I will continue to share this journey of healing, and please pray for all of us that have suffered a trauma that still impacts our lives. Pray we realize we are not alone and our past won’t control our present or future. We are more than surviving, we are thriving.
Keep going for your dreams and enjoy life. Life is great and jump in and enjoy it all. Please enjoy some recent pictures I took over the last month. We have a beaver and an otter taking over our pond. I have attached quick video from me just saying a few words. I thought I would try something new by saying few words on a video to go along with my written words. The video is 55 seconds. I will be back soon to Moodyspeaks. Enjoy