It has been a little while since I wrote my last post for my blog. I wanted to let some time go by and reflect on my journey on healing and life. I am now 58 years old and I have learned how fast times goes by and how much I still want to learn about life. This blog was started to celebrate 25 years in business. I quickly realized as I opened up and dug deep inside, I couldn’t tell an accurate story on my journey in business without telling the accurate story of my life. As I wrote each post early in my blog, I begin to realize I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor who kept it quiet most of my life. I learned that the abuse had changed and influenced my entire life. I never realized until writing this blog and going deep into myself, how my childhood trauma of sexual abuse had changed my life forever. I learned if I wanted to heal completely and help others heal, I had to get out my comfort zone.
In earlier post I wrote about suffering from panic attacks, PTSD and other affects of my childhood trauma. I want to focus more on the positive of my journey of healing since I started writing my blog. Here are the top ten positive things I have learned since starting my blog.
1. I am not alone in this struggle. Unfortunately childhood sexual abuse happens far to often to innocent children. Many of us suffer in silence. My positive is we are not alone, and we are strong. We not only survive, we can thrive. I speak for those that can’t talk and still suffer in silence.
2. It was not my fault I was sexually abused as a child. So often we blame ourselves for letting someone sexually abuse us as children. My positive, I finally accept I was the victim and the abuser took advantage of my innocence. It was not my fault and I can release this guilt.
3. Love is the greatest gift, to be able to give love and receive love. I have always been able to love, but it was hard for me to accept being loved because I always felt tarnished from being a sexual abuse survivor. My positive, real love is great to give and receive.
4. Don’t live in the past. For years I have lived in the past wishing it never happened. I felt guilty for not speaking up as child to prosecute legally my abuser. My positive, was learning forgiveness, especially forgiving myself. Having my faith in God and to trust God that things will be handled with my abuser even though I will not know how it is handled. I learned I had to let go of the past and live in the now.
5. It is ok to be transparent with others and share my story of being a sexual abuse survivor. My positive, it has been healing for me to speak up for those that suffer in silence. I realize sharing my journey of healing is helping others heal and most importantly giving myself and others hope our past doesn’t have to be our future.
6. Get out of my comfort zone. I learned I was staying in my comfort zone of life. I gained the knowledge that we can live in pain and get comfortable with that pain and stay in that place. I knew what living in that pain was like and it had become comfortable but not enjoyable, just livable. My positive, I learned to push myself out of my comfort zone of life. I was afraid what life might feel like to share my story. Would the pain be worst? Would people laugh, and distant themselves from me? Would my PTSD or panic attacks be worst if I got out my comfort zone? None of my fears came true. I have learned to truly embrace my family, the people close to me, and my business. I feel being in nature in a new way that I have never felt before in life. It is like my eyes are now open for the first time. I hike and take pictures so my pictures can tell a story without any words, I want my pictures to provide an enjoyable journey for people. Everyday I want to give someone hope by my actions and words.
7. Believe in your dreams, they might come true. I have suffered from low self-esteem my entire life after being sexually abused as a child, and I never believed I would get close to living my dream or good things happen for kids that had been tarnished by sexually abuse. My positive, I have exceeded my dreams. Good things will happen in life and I am stronger than I ever realized. I have worked hard, I keep learning and I refused to quit. What happened to me as child actually made me push myself even though I never felt worthy of anything good coming my way. I almost went through life missing all of the good in my life because for 47 years of my 58 years of living, I lived in fear of my childhood past.
8. Embrace every minute of life. My positive, find a reason to smile and be thankful for being able to wake up and face another day. Regardless of the challenges, I embrace everyday with thanks and know nothing stays the same for too long. Embrace my time on earth and make the most of it and do something to help others along the way. Hope is powerful, it helps me know I have a chance to do incredible things I dream about everyday.
9. Get my proper rest along with my physical, emotional and spiritual exercises. My positive, when I get my proper rest, I feel better and I am ready to face the world. When I get my proper physical, emotional and spiritual nourishment I am like a well running finely turned engine. I can face the day and know I will survive and I feel I can do things I once thought were impossible.
10. God is in control of my life. My positive, a closer relationship with God and a desire to learn more about my religion and other religions. I have a healthy respect for God and what I can still learn everyday. I respect the earth, and the limited time we have on earth. I try not to waste time. I want to make our planet a better place for those that will come behind me.
Today, May 21 as I post this to my blog, I turned 58 years old. I feel like a young adult since I started this journey and full of emotion to seize the positive energy of life and those around me. I am enjoying life even though it is all unknown, it is the excitement of freeing myself of my past and setting new dreams to achieve. I am enjoying this journey of life. I pray I have many years to go and I promised God and myself, I won’t look back worrying and living in fear from my past trauma. I am going to embrace everyday with a smile and hopefully make a difference in small way to give someone else hope that life is worth living. We all have story to tell and it is up to us how our story ends.
Until next time, keep enjoying this journey of life and enjoy the pictures in the sideshow. By the way turning 58 is pretty cool. My life is like my passion of architecture and construction. We keep building and getting better with every project, everyday.