- On November 25, 2015
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I was once a sensitive, loving and happy child. One of twelve siblings but ten different fathers. My mother was probably seeking someone to fill a hole deep within her, but settled for them filling the one between her legs. When one of the men in her life settled in with her, he was just as broken and yes he was a predator.
From the age of 9 to 13 he molested me and my sisters. We told our mother but she did nothing and once asked me “Who would help me raise all of you and keep a roof over our heads?” That was a slap in the face to feel that she would sacrifice us for him, because we would not have gone without. My elder brothers and sisters quit school to help my mother raise us and now they suffer the consequences. She emasculated her boys by threatening them if they did anything to him for hurting us and she broke our spirit by allowing it all to happen. Knowing that no harm would come to them, one of my brothers and a brother in law molested me as well. The dwelling was a cesspool of torture. How can one person have to endure such pain? I asked God why me, but during prayers the deacons in the church told me I was “nothing but a filthy rag upon his throne”.
Mama tried to drown the memory of her mistakes with alcohol as did most of my family, however at 17, I chose to leave the den of hell I once called home to free myself of the emotional, mental and physical torment. As I struggled to find peace, I stumbled into the arms of men who used me like a toilet. In turn I was raped twice. I allowed it all to happen because I did not know anything else. I learned that attention is not affection and I found the strength to make the changes in my life, my thoughts, my actions, my beliefs and my surroundings. I moved away from everything and everyone that was not acceptable in my new life vision. My life was now going to be drama and pain free. I would find the love that I deserved and allow the love inside me to flow freely with our fear of being hurt or taken advantage of. The power was in me to refuse to be used, betrayed or otherwise effected by others in any negative way.
I have not only written about my life in my novel Seeds from Mama’s Garden, I have other books and programs that help us find what is blocking the love n our lives. It took me a while, but I went back to school and earned my doctorate in human sexuality because I know in my soul that I to use my experiences to help others who have suffered sexual trauma. I am the voice to communicate and articulate how it feels to be abused, raped or assaulted. My focus is learning to create and maintain healthy, loving relationships by building a strong intimate foundation. Beginning with loving and caring for yourself first then the love you harness within can then flow from you and to you from others.
Whoever hurt you may have tried to silence you, take from you, but they cannot make you their prisoner unless you allow them to. My mother is still with the man who hurt me. I distance myself from them. Maya Angelou once said, “When people show you who they are, believe them.” I believe that they are selfish and unwilling to acknowledge the pain and suffering I endured. So I live a guilt free existence without their influence. I took back my life and I am happy and loved.
My message to you is to encourage you to take back your power, your soul, your joy and live your life in the sun not the darkness. The shame is theirs not yours. We are survivors and we have the right to live and love without fear.
Wishing you Love and Light,