- On July 17, 2022
- 4 Comments
This message is for anyone that feels like they are overwhelmed with living with anxiety, PTSD and panic attacks.
Finding and posting the recent video on my social media pages, I found of our young family from 1988, brought back so many memories.
I am not a therapist, I am just a survivor of a childhood trauma that shares my journey of healing. Living with suppressing trauma and wearing a mask that everything is ok takes so much energy.
For 56 years of my 66 years of living, I have worn a mask that everything is ok. That wha happened to me as child had no impact on me. I was just wearing a mask.
Even though I am blessed to be optimistic and naturally happy, I have had some real tough times emotionally from a childhood trauma that I hid from everyone.
For years I kept my childhood trauma secret and I would try and block those memories, then I would be triggered and the memories would come forward in my mind like a storm at the strangest times and places, I had to wrestle with my mind reliving the events that took place as a child and trying to live in the present, while acting like it never happened and I was ok.
Since I was trying to keep that trauma buried, I had no one to talk to, so I wore a mask that everything was ok, with Karla, my family, friends and business associates. Inside I was suffering from the memories.
That takes so much energy and wore me down physically and emotionally over the years. Now I realize why I had a major nervous breakdown in 1992 and was on the verge of major breakdown in 2020. Fortunately I know the signs of a breakdown and decided to find a trauma therapist, and no longer do it my way. My way was to just power through and ignore everything else.
Looking back, I realize that trauma impacted every phase of my life. I spent so much energy wrestling with suppressing memories and trying to live my best life at the same time. But Anxiety, PTSD and panic attacks often won and I would excuse myself from events or situations. I would make excuses for leaving or missing meetings. I would avoid events or taking projects for our business because I was worn down from the mental wrestling that comes with suppressing trauma, and trying to act like it never happened. At 66 years old I am finally done wearing a mask, being ashamed, embarrassed for trying to suppress the memories.
I am so happy working to be free from trying to suppress trauma. We all have to decide when the time is right for us.
I will finally say it out loud, I often wonder what could I have done before 66 years old if I had never had to wrestle with suppressing a childhood trauma.
Then I remind myself this is God’s plan for me, to help millions of survivors of childhood sexual abuse that are suffering in silence.
My mission now is to give hope and show each survivor that is struggling to heal, we can be awesome and do something incredible with our lives.
Mt Kilimanjaro here I come in 6 months. However high I make it up the mountain. I plan on leaving whatever impact from trauma I still have on that mountain top and pray for every survivor to find their peace and go and become awesome. I am on a Vision Quest.
I feel like I am starting over in so many ways in business, and my personal life.
I know I can never recover my childhood innocence that was stolen from me in 1965, but I can stop worrying and stop letting the imaginary fear of my past slow me down and stop me from living my best life!
My therapist and I are working hard together on this journey of healing
The great news, I am at the best point emotionally I have been since 1965 and before the childhood trauma took place.
We can turn trauma into Triumph